Seriously Seeking Advice!

Right from secondary school, I was always the girl who had too many guy friends and never a boyfriend. Why? I really don't know!

Years after, I am still like that and I think it's gotten worse. Basically I have been single for such a long time now, that I find it hard to frame my mind in the relationship way.

But lately, after spending too much time with NewGuy, my emotions are beginning to kick in like mad. NewGuy is seriously seeking a relationship blah, blah. To be honest with you, I am getting so carried away that for once in my life, I am not in control of my emotions, and I have started thinking of crossing over to the land of "two become one".

I seriously should not be getting carried away now, I have nothing, I have no job, I have no idea the direction my life is going, I have no job, my top priorities are not in action, right now I have nothing to add to a relationship but confusion, more confusion and my unstableness.

I need help! Being single for such a long time only accummulates more bad habits, like having days of not wanting to talk to anyone - I can switch off my phone for the weekend and only call people I want to talk to, able to do whatever I want without confirming/just informing someone else about my actions, more secretive, self centred, completely unemotional etc.
Also, because I have allowed myself to be completely opened and fronting-free, for some reason, 'Fear' has settled in and I find myself listening to the voices in my head, I find myself questioning everything, I find myself slipping and I find myself thinking just too much.

I have never been hurt before, I thank God for that and I guess my greatest fear is rejection. The bottom line is I can't even have a relationship, cause for starters I find it so hard to deprogram myself from my present ways of life and I don't know what to do again and I really don't want to spoil the beautiful thing I have going on.

Personally, I think I should just run now, afterall I already have the fear of getting hurt, so it's safer to run away now, right? Yes it is! Or isn't it? Maybe not? I dunno!

I hate this feeling.......

Power Of Time

It's really amazing what one can experience/see when you allow yourself the time to open your heart or eyes to the little things around you.

This time around, I have decided to allow myself to have fun and be free, (I mean I have so much time and still no job). Free from judging guys before I even speak to them, free from giving out my number and knowing full well that I won't even give them a minute of my time. I decided, since I am still young (jokes) and very single, there really is nothing stopping me from going on random dates et al.

I finally collected my new phone from NewGuy and allowed myself to spend time with him, I mean if I don't like what I see, I can run...lol. Time, I swear changes things and eventually allows room for emotions, NewGuy turns out to be so surreal and he might be honest but because, I never gave the time to take guys serious and listen to what they have to say, I keep thinking he's lying and he's just looking for sturvs etc. He says things that I have only dreamt about. Imagine, he told me, he wants us to start going to church together, I have never ever in my life been asked that.

It's funny because, I sit and daydream about what I want a guy to say to me, how I want a guy to treat me etc and now I have found him and I am like, hold up! Wait a minute, I need time!

Thinking out Loud!!

So far along my journey of life, I tend to be very attentive when it comes to matters of relationships. As a product of a broken home, I pray and intend on having a very successful and happy-till-death-do-us-apart family of mine one day by God's Grace.

Each time, I get told by my Mumma that in everything I do, I have to be totally submissive especially in relationships. I have to know how to be 100% submissive but yet still hold on to my valuables. I have to allow my husband/boyfriend be the head even though I am the neck that makes him turn. I have to open my heart and hands to change while still holding on tight to my valuables. I have to accustom myself to the back seat.
Honestly, all that isn't a problem and I guess with time, I'll be the master of my game, but what I really don't understand is that I also have to put myself out there and be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable, according to my dictionary means:

- Capable of being physically or mentally hurt

- Open to criticism or censure

- Open to attack or damage.

Now, this is a major problem, I mean I believe I am a strong minded girl who hardly cries or put myself in situations that will end in tears, and even when I do have to cry, I do it under the bed preferrably with my eyes closed cause I can't afford to appear vulnerable to my friends or even family. I find it so hard to get hurt physically or mentally or even sit around and admit I am hurt.

I swear, it's not pride or anything like that. Growing up, I got punished for showing an iota or signs of weakness or any form of vulnerability. This was one thing that got under my father's skin and frustrated the hell out of him. He made it seem like, the minute you show a sign of vulnerability, the whole world will take advantage of you there and then.

But now, part of the things I have to do in order to have a successful relationship is to allow myself to be capable of being hurt physically/mentally, allow myself to be open to criticism/censure, allow myself to be open to attack or damage.

As the person I am, how can I be vulneranble without acting? Can't I just be submissive? Do I really have to be vulnerable?? I swear it's not easy.